*Trigger Warning: mentions of child sexual abuse and panic attacks*
This time last year, I took a huge step and made the decision to write an article about my trauma after being sexually abused at seven years old. It was something I never could have imagined doing before, as I went years simply refusing to talk about it.
If you were to tell my teenage self that she would be writing an article about it in her 20’s, she would have simply said, “No! No! Hell no!” She would have avoided that thought at all costs. That’s how much I hated even mentioning it to people.
However, when I first thought of writing the article, that was when I realized that it was time to push my own hesitancy aside and speak up to potentially help anyone who had been through what I went through. It had been on my mind for some time - maybe two or three weeks - before I even actually reached out to my BANDED boss, Rebecca about writing about it. And the reason why it took me so long was because of the fact that I was hesitant.
It wasn’t even due to the fact that I dreaded talking about it for so long. It was because I had friends and other people in my life who had no idea about that part of my life. I was beyond scared that I would be looked at differently by them or they’d ask why I never said anything before. That’s one thing I failed to mention in my last article. Back in high school, it would take me months or even a full year to tell my closest friends and it was always due to the fact that I was scared of being looked at differently because of what happened to me.
Once I finally pushed all of that aside and decided to finally reach out to Rebecca about writing the article, I started seeing this as another step forward in this process. It took a lot of self-talk, but I knew in my heart that writing about it would be a big help to others and that started to become my goal for the article.
I remember sitting in front of my laptop and just taking deep breaths as I wrote the article. Other than writing about it for a college assignment, I had never written about it for a more public setting like BANDED before. Knowing that my article was going live for everyone to see gave me anxiety for a second.
I mentioned in the last article about having panic attacks at seven and I thought back to one certain memory experiencing one of those panic attacks while writing the article - It was sometime after what happened and I had gone to a mall with my grandmother, my cousin and her friend. When at the mall, I saw a man who I thought was my abuser and I got so anxious, I ran off. In the aftermath, after my grandmother caught up with me, I was shaking and sobbing. I was already overwhelmed just even writing about the panic attacks and thinking about that memory, so I decided to leave that part out in the end.
After writing it, it took me an hour to send it to Rebecca because I was in full-blown tears by the time I finished writing it. I had so many fears and thoughts about having it published for people to read it, but I reminded myself that I was doing a good thing by having it published.
Once it was published and I started seeing responses of support from my friends and others, I truly felt so overwhelmed with the love and support and it made me realize that I didn’t have to be afraid anymore. All of it gave me a new form of strength I never realized I had to begin with and it only continued to make me realize that I really was doing the right thing by sharing my story publicly.
I want to continue to help other sexual abuse survivors by sharing my story publicly and have more open discussions with people as well. Anything I can possibly do to bring awareness.
Not only did I find my voice and stopped being scared of my past, I have learned to stay strong and not shy away from talking about it. It’s a part of my life that I can’t ever change. I won’t lie, sometimes I am scared that I’ll see my abuser somewhere, as he is now out of prison, but I am done letting all of it hold me back and being scared of the future. In the words of Demi Lovato, “I’m taking my life back today. Nothing left that you can say.” And that’s exactly what I’m doing.
If I could tell my teenage self one thing, it’s the fact that she is stronger than she thinks she is and isn’t weak like she feels that she is. I’m a survivor.
To anyone who’s ever been through this too,
I see you, I hear you.
RESOURCES:
RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800.656.HOPE (4673)
Darkness To Light Child Sexual Abuse Prevention Darkness to Light