April is Autism Acceptance/Awareness Month, a month that is close to me personally because I'm autistic.
Autism is "a developmental disorder of variable severity that is characterized by difficulty in social interaction and communication and by restricted or repetitive patterns of thought and behavior." For me, that means texture, light, sound, and weight sensitivities, as well as difficulty with socially interacting, repetitive patterns in food and clothing, and more.
I struggle with different food textures — anything slimy or mushy makes my whole body recoil. I lean towards crunchy, crispy, and dry foods (think dry cereal!) instead.
Bright lights such as fluorescent lights, the ones found in schools, hospitals, and grocery/clothing stores, are almost painful some days. I've gotten much better at handling it as I've grown older, but when I was younger it would make me cry sometimes.
Sound, such as a room full of chatter and other noises mixed up together is often overwhelming, as I can't hear the bigger picture. I hear each sound at once, often amplified to me, it is anxiety-inducing. To help this, I need quiet or music through my earphones, blocking out or lowering the outside sound.
I can't use heavy silverware or dishware — I use kids sized silverware, cups, and plates instead. To use anything heavier makes me feel like it's wrong, I almost can't explain it. It makes me feel frustrated, makes my body feel upside down. Heavy blankets and heavy sweaters are things that can help me feel better, ironically enough. I can't wear shoes that aren't tight, nor pants, but I can't wear shirts and dresses that are tight. It's a bit confusing, I know, but it's frustrating to be constantly aware of the weight of everything you hold and touch.
I struggle with social cues, with communicating with others. I don't understand or inherently know what's the right kind of words to say; I don't understand where an acquaintance ends and a friendship begins, the line between the two is nonexistent to me. I think everyone who's kind to me wants to be my friend, even though that's not really how the world works. It all often feels like the rug underneath my feet has been pulled from me and I have fallen down. That everyone else understands everything there is and I'm behind, needing the SparkNotes to life. I am 22 years old, and yet I am still learning how to speak to others, how to form real friendships, how to look deeper at what people are saying to me, and not make assumptions, good or bad. I've made progress over time, a lot of it in my past recent years of adulthood, and I think I'm finally starting to get the hang of it all. My friends and family have been patient, understanding, helpful, and kind to me as I work through all of my misunderstandings and mistakes as I grow up further into adulthood as an autistic person.
I get fixated on certain articles of clothing — a sweater, black leggings, shoes, a shirt, a hoodie, and wear them repeatedly, almost every day, often until they're so worn down that I have to replace them. I also get fixated on certain foods and eat them almost every single day until it's finally repulsive to me, and I pick another food and it starts again. Both of this makes for a very niche style and diet.
Autism isn't all of a struggle as it seems. I have "special interests," they are intense and powerful fixations on specific things. Some of mine currently are rock music, Beat Generation poets & writers, and Scooby Doo. Rock music is my biggest special interest currently; music has always been prevalent in my lists of special interests over my entire life, the only thing that has changed with it has been the specific genre of music. In the past it's been pop punk, Disney bands, One Direction/boy bands, kpop, and now I'm on rock. I love all of rock music, but I fixate on specific eras of rock sometimes.
Like all of my other special interests, I try to learn everything there is about rock music. I read rock biographies and memoirs, I watch documentaries and biopics, I listen and listen and listen to rock all of the time. It consumes me, it's what I love the most fervently, it's what I feel so passionately for. I want to live in a world with rock music and only rock music, not for any pretentious reasons, only for the fact that it's my special interest, and because I'm autistic, for me it's all-consuming.
I feel as if others would say that all my sensitivities and passions make me no different from a non-autistic person, that you could explain all of this away with words like "awkward," "immature," "dumb," and more, but I digress. All of what I've explained about myself and more make me autistic, make me a person that interacts with this world a bit differently than a non-autistic person, and that's not something to be brushed aside. Being autistic is not something separate from the person I am, it's who I am. I am autistic, and it shows in every part of my life. I feel passionately about my special interests to an almost obnoxious amount, I get frustrated and upset at things that a non-autistic person wouldn't even notice. I work around and through my sensitivities & misgivings. I take my passions and try to channel them into creative outlets — such as writing on here about rock music, and by founding my own music publication, Wild Honey, about rock music. I would not be the person I am without being autistic, and I like the person I am. I am creative, attentive to detail, sensitive, trusting, and passionate.
If you would like to learn more about autism, check out the Autism Self-Advocacy Network.